Forgive
by pl2363
Summary: Starscream's past is filled with painful memories of a life he never got to have. Will he forgive and move forward? *slash, don't read if you don't like* ***'Regardless' heavily referenced, please read that fic before reading this one.***
1. Failed Attempts

Title: Forgive – Failed Attempts

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T

Notes: Starscream x Skyfire. 'Regardless' heavily referenced, please read that fic before reading this one. Starscream's past is filled with painful memories of a life he never got to have. Will he forgive and move forward?

_Electrical grid off cycle concept borrowed from Asher 119's Unintended_.

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta.

Title taken from the song 'Seven Months' by Portishead,

_"Why should I forgive you,  
After all that I've seen?  
Quietly whisper,  
When my heart wants to scream?"_

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

_Cybertron, The Golden Age__—_

_White noise from the various pieces of equipment filled the lab room. Starscream sat at his computer console waiting for the data collected from his testing to sort so he could analyze it. His gaze would periodically meander toward the other mech in the room, Skyfire, who was also working in the lab long after classes had let out. _

_Unlike Starscream, Skyfire was no longer a student. He was older and employed at the lab as the head professor's assistant. He ran experiments for the professor as well as helped any students in the lab with their projects. He was an unlikely scientist, being a huge shuttle. Starscream usually saw that type of flier working as guards or law enforcement. From the first conversation they had, Starscream learned just how intelligent Skyfire was, which explained his somewhat unusual choice in career. _

"_Doing anything later?" Starscream asked. _

_Skyfire glanced up from his workbench and smiled. "Nah. Probably just head home."_

_Starscream wasn't one to flirt. He really didn't have time for romantic pursuits outside his busy academic schedule. Besides, he always thought of flirting as a desperate way to act in order to garner attention. Yet, he kept finding himself doing just that with Skyfire. Something about the gentle and intelligent shuttle appealed to him, although he couldn't seem to pinpoint why._

"_You know, there's a traveling exhibit of organics at the main hall of the museum. I heard some of the specimens glow in the dark, so they are leaving it open to the public, even after normal viewing times. Maybe we could go check it out. That is, if you can take a break from that hectic schedule of yours." Starscream cast a casual glance in Skyfire's direction. _

"_Oh, that sounds fun. I think I could deviate from my plans." Skyfire's smile widened. He always smiled. Warm, gentle smiles that Starscream found endearing. _

"_Excellent." Starscream saved his work on the computer and started to clean up his area. _

_Less than a cycle later, they walked though the dimly lit streets of Vos. It was the off cycle for the electrical grid. The power output was cut in half to conserve energy, and only a few street lamps remained on to illuminate their path. _

_Starscream could hear himself babbling on about inane things but felt utterly helpless to stop himself. Talking about his recent experiment, bragging about his record-setting flight times, contemplating the type of trine he'd like to have once he finished with his second degree in 'Science and Research' at the Academy. Skyfire politely nodded, never interrupting or even looking bored as Starscream prattled on. _

_They finally reached the museum and proceeded inside. Only then did Starscream feel like he could stop trying to fill the air with words and grew quiet as they walked around in the darkened exhibit area looking at the various organic plant life and organisms on display. There were only a handful of others in the exhibit area, which made for a pleasant, intimate setting. Starscream paused at one of the displays filled with several plants blooming and glowing in the darkness. It was unlike anything he had seen before. Vibrant blue and purple light radiated from the large petals of the plant's blossoms, and each plant was covered in at least four of the strange yet gorgeous flowers. _

"_Beautiful, hm?" Skyfire said as he moved next to Starscream. _

_The larger shuttle stood so close that his arm plating lightly touched Starscream's. Suddenly, all Starscream could register was the warmth of the larger mech. He stared at the plants, but he really wasn't seeing them as he tried to analyze the meaning of Skyfire's proximity. The viewing area was large enough that he certainly didn't need to crowd him, nor were there several other mechs or femmes in the area also clamoring to see the display. So why was Skyfire standing so close? Was he flirting back?_

"_Starscream?"_

_He looked up into the soft blue glow of the larger shuttle's optics, which illuminated his handsome face in the darkness. "Yes?"_

"_You know, I _like_ you. _A lot_." Skyfire took hold of Starscream's hand, lacing their fingers together. He half turned and gently traced the fingertips of the other hand down Starscream's cheek. _

_Starscream felt like his spark was going to explode. No one had ever said they liked him. In fact, his classmates did their best to avoid him since they were intimidated by his superiority. To be told he was liked…_

"_Would it be okay if I kissed you?" Skyfire leaned closer still, his face hovering micrometers away. _

_Starscream made a face. "I've never kissed anyone before."_

_A gentle smile spread across Skyfire's lips. "May I be the first, then?"_

_Starscream vaguely nodded. Not even a moment later, his lips met with the soft pliable metal of Skyfire's, which molded together perfectly with his own. Warmth spread not only over his lips and rippled across his sensory net. Skyfire softly mouthed Starscream's lips, and he reciprocated. They stood in the darkness together, kissing. Starscream felt his whole body react to the lip-only contact: his wings tingled, his knee joints felt weak, his spark pulsed hard and fast… Eventually, Skyfire pulled back, breaking the long, soft kiss and gazed deeply into Starscream's optics._

_His processor was whirring, attempting to wrap itself around what was happening. Why did Skyfire like him? Why did _he_ like Skyfire? Nothing logical or ordered explained it. They were different in so many ways it was laughable to think they would end up like this. The swells and fast pulse rate of Starscream's spark seemed to trump all reason. Maybe love wasn't something that could be quantified? He knew so little about the subject. He grew up with one creator, so he never saw this type of attraction or affection in action. He had no examples of how love worked, other than what he read in fictional literature. _

"_You okay?" Skyfire asked as he canted his head. _

_All Starscream could do was stare into those pretty blue optics trained on him and nod. He knew the best way to learn was to experiment and see where the results led. Starscream felt a smile curve his lips at the prospect of learning all about something so foreign from someone as kind-sparked as Skyfire. _

. . . .

Earth, 1986_—_

It had been almost an orn since Megatron had been offlined. Talks with Autobots had progressed well. Starscream found Prime to be overly ideal about a great many things. That sort of idealism had been wrung out of Starscream long ago. He happily pointed out flaws in Prime's plans and made sure to bring as much realism to the table as possible.

After another long day of meetings, Starscream and his new second in command, Soundwave, were led to the Autobot's lounge area for energon rations before they left. It was a symbolic gesture of friendship to refuel with Prime and his own SIC, Prowl. He certainly didn't like staying longer than he had to, and he was more than eager to end the day officially so he could briefly visit with his former trine and their sparkling.

Thundercracker and Skywarp seemed to tolerate Starscream's continued presence in their lives. He could never admit just how much he missed them, and he was acutely aware their choice to remain distant was his own doing. The abuse he suffered at Megatron's hands would often lead to his taking out his anger and frustration on them as a way to release his own pain. He knew he had earned their hatred. Still, he couldn't help caring about their well being. They were, for lack of a better description, his family now. While he could never make up for his stellar cycles of handed down abuse, he figured that by keeping his promise to Thundercracker he might someday earn a little forgiveness.

Following behind Prime and his SIC, Starscream walked into the lounge area, and forcibly pushed his thoughts away and held his head high in order to appear superior in the face of a room filled with Autobots.

They all sat down at a corner table and made inane small talk for a breem or so. He would cast a glance out over the large room every once in a while, catching some of the Autobots staring at them. He didn't mind the attention in the least. It fed his ego and sense of self-importance, helping to bat away the twinges of self-doubt that crept in around the edges of his mind.

"Well, we can resume again the day after tomorrow," Prime said as a small, friendly smile spread across his lips. The Autobot leader had retracted his battle mask to drink his engeron. Starscream had secretly hoped there was some ugly scar beneath the mask he could silently stare at, but as it turned out Prime was rather plain-looking.

Starscream nodded and then sipped the remainder of his energon. "If that's all for today, I'd like to go see Thundercracker and Skywarp."

"Of course. Prowl, would you escort–"

"I know the way. No need to bother your SIC with trivial matters." Starscream said, waving his hand dismissively. He pushed to stand and looked at his own second in command. "Soundwave, return to base and make sure everything is in order. I shouldn't be long."

"Yes, sir," Soundwave droned.

Not waiting for an official goodbye, he quickly exited the lounge area and briskly walked down the hallway that led towards the section of barracks where his former trinemates were currently housed.

He turned a corner and to his horror came face-to-face with his past. Skyfire stood about five paces away, paused mid-step and staring with bright optics at Starscream. They had not seen each other since the day they fought Megaton.

"Starscream…"

Pain rippled through his spark. He immediately started to internally scold himself. _Fraggit. Forget about it! Stop thinking this will ever be what it once was. It's fragged this up beyond repair, and he still doesn't know–_

"You going to see Thundercracker and Skywarp?"

Starscream attempted to gather his composure. "Yes. What of it?"

Skyfire shifted his weight to a more natural stance than the mid-stride Starscream had caught him in. "They're in medbay right now. Lightningbolt is getting a quick check up, and I think Ratchet needs to prep Thundercracker for the arm reattachment."

"I see." Starscream couldn't help the frown he felt pulling at his lips. He would have to try and see them another time. He stared at Skyfire, thinking he should say something flippant and make an excuse to leave. Instead he was frozen in place, unable to think of anything coherent to say as his spark ached and twisted in its chamber.

"So, how long will you be mad at me?" Skyfire quietly asked.

Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his optics. _He wants forgiveness?_ "You honestly think your little show of camaraderie will make everything all better?"

"No. I just– Look, it's far too late to dissolve our bond, Starscream. Besides, even if I could, I wouldn't." Skyfire dimmed his optics. "I still love you."

Starscream felt a swell of hurt and fear roll through him in response, but those emotions quickly morphed into a sharp anger. "Frag you! You have no idea what I went through!"

Skyfire sadly frowned. "I didn't leave you on purpose. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Starscream shook his head. Their bonding to one another had happened when he was still attending the Academy. He had endured millions of stellar cycles of being locked into a bond with someone who wasn't dead or alive, just missing. Then their would-be happy reunion here on Earth was left in ruins after Skyfire showed that he lacked the loyalty Starscream expected a bondmate to have. Granted, he knew on some level what drove his anger had more to do with a build up of resentment that had festered in his spark at being left all alone. Losing Skyfire had irrevocably changed the course of his life. His sense of being safe had been ripped away from him. The budding inner strength Skyfire had fostered was extinguished and replaced by an unrelenting anger. While Skyfire was sorry for hurting him, he couldn't turn back time and fix things. It couldn't change what happened after he returned from their ill-fated trip. It couldn't bring back all that he lost back then, including not only his former self, but also the sparkling he found out he had been carrying.

"You'll _never_ understand," Starscream spat out. _And I lack the strength of spark to tell you why_, he mentally added. It all still hurt too much to face. By sheer force of will, he managed to come unglued from where he stood, and spun on his heels to rapidly make his escape. He sped through the hallways and out the open entrance of the _Ark_, taking off as soon as he was clear of the doorway.

At his fastest possible speed he flew away from the part of his past that hurt him most. He was a supreme leader now, and it was unbecoming to give into such weak emotions. He wanted to be seen as iron-willed and strong. Not broken-sparked, like he knew deep down he really was.

. . . .

Cybertron, The Golden Age_—_

_Lightly fingering his chest, Starscream sensed something wasn't right. He sat silently waiting for the medical officer to come in to the small exam room. Finding out he had been sparked had been a surprisingly happy bit of news in the midst of his mourning the loss of his bondmate. But the usual illness he had been enduring for the last orn had suddenly stopped, and it was too early for phase two. _

_His father was already furious about the bonding and Starscream's moving out of their family home to be with Skyfire. His father had a set path for Starscream to proceed down for his education and career. Starscream's defiance enraged him. But Starscream found his love for Skyfire had given him the strength to stand up to his overbearing father. Without Skyfire there to offer him the support he needed, he knew it was best to wait until the sparkling was in his arms before letting his father know about it. _

"_All right, let's run a scan, shall we?" the medical officer said as he walked into the room. _

_Starscream frowned as he lay back, opening his chest plate to expose his spark. He watched the medic intently as the scan started. The medical officer furrowed his brow as a look of concern crossed his face. The scan continued far longer than Starscream felt it should have. With each passing moment, his fears intensified. _

"_I'm very sorry." The medic glanced away from the scanner, sadly frowning at Starscream. "It looks like the sparklet has reabsorbed into your spark. I'm afraid it's gone."_

_The last tiny glimmer of the life he shared with Skyfire was gone? Nothing of Skyfire was left? _Nothing at all?

"_What do you mean _gone?_" Starscream replied in an accusatory tone._

"_It happens sometimes. Sparklets that aren't well formed enough can suddenly disperse and be reabsorbed. More often than not, this seems to happen with younger mechs, which is probably the case here. I'm very sorry. You could certainly try again, though."_

_The medic's words stung as the enormity of his loss broke him. _

_Pain ripped through his spark, and he felt his mind struggling to understand. No bondmate and no sparkling meant that not a single, tangible trace of his momentary happiness was left now. Reality was harsh and unrelenting in its lack of compassion. Was that how he'd have to be in order to survive it? Compassionless, hard, and uncaring about anything other than the pursuit of being the best, just like his father wanted? Primus, how could this have happened?_

_Warnings scrolled through his processor, telling him to shut down. His body was trying to do what his spark wanted to: escape from the waking world. He gave into its desire, slipping offline right there on the exam table. His last thoughts being how he wished with every ounce of his being he'd never have to rejoin such a cruel world again. _

. . . .

Earth, 1986_—_

Skyfire asked to be excused from his assigned shift after his run in with Starscream. He told Prowl he wasn't feeling too well, which got him released from his duties for the day. He lay on his berth blankly staring at the glass ceiling. His room was in the top observation desk of the _Ark_, since it was the only place large enough to house him and the larger berth he required. His view of Earth's blue sky was mostly obscured by the rock of the mountain the _Ark_ lay embedded in, though.

Waking from an icy tomb after eons had passed had been jarring to say the least, but the most upsetting part had been seeing how Starscream had changed. He had always been ambitious and arrogant, but that was only a facet of Starscream's complicated personality. He used to also be intensely curious, creative, and passionate about the things that interested him. Wonderfully engaging qualities that Skyfire loved about him. Somehow those parts of Starscream seemed to be missing now. A fiery anger that never existed before was now firmly in place.

Even with the apparent change in his mate, he still wanted to be with him. He couldn't help that he still loved him with all his spark. And he wondered if those missing parts weren't missing at all, but tucked safely away for some reason.

Starscream said things to constantly hurt him in those first few Earth days after he thawed. Like proudly admitting that he was Megatron's lover and claiming that their bond meant nothing to him anymore. Starscream's words had been biting, and it felt as if he had pushed Skyfire away on purpose. But why? Why had Starscream behaved that way? There had to be an underlying reason. If only Skyfire could figure out what.

The buzzer to his room sounded. He glanced at the door and sighed a huff of air from his intakes. He really didn't want to see anyone right now. As much as he would have preferred to indulge his anti-social desire, he decided it might cause whoever bothered to stop by to worry about him. He was usually extremely friendly and social and didn't really want to tarnish that reputation. He slid off his berth and walked to the door, which retracted to reveal his concerned looking colleague.

"Here," Perceptor said as he held out an energon ration. "You should be sure to keep yourself well-fueled if you happen to not be feeling well. Have you gone to see Ratchet? Perhaps I should contact him, have him come up and exam–"

"Percy, I'm okay. I promise." Skyfire managed to smile at his visitor. Perceptor had such a kind spark, always looking out for others.

"There is no need to lie to me, you know." Perceptor raised an optic ridge at Skyfire.

"My not feeling well has nothing to with my systems." Skyfire stepped aside and gestured for his visitor to come in. They both wandered to the oversized berth and sat down.

"Thank you for thinking of me." Skyfire fingered the energon cube in his grasp.

"Of course." Perceptor turned sideways to face Skyfire. "Tell me, do you consider me a friend?"

Glancing at Perceptor, Skyfire noted the look of determination on the microscope's face. "Yes, we are friends."

"Clearly, something is deeply troubling you. As a friend, I would like you know that you may confide in me."

Skyfire dropped his gaze to the floor. "I'm not sure what talking about it would accomplish."

"Well, for one, it would give you an outlet to release your emotions. It is also a good way to gain perspective outside your own perceptions." Perceptor reached out and placed a hand on Skyfire's arm. "Besides, you can trust that I would not violate a confidence placed in me."

Skyfire let his wings sag slightly as he looked back at Perceptor. Maybe talking about it _would_ help him process everything. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone else about it."

Perceptor fervently nodded. "Of course."

Skyfire shifted his gaze to the energon again. "I am bonded to Starscream. We bonded long before the war. And thing is, despite everything, I still love him."

"Oh my. That sounds…complicated."

"Yeah. It is." Skyfire grew quiet for a moment, as his thoughts seem to swirl in his processor. "I don't know if he still loves me, though. He's not quite the same mech I once knew."

"He wasn't always so self-absorbed?" Perceptor asked, sounding surprised.

Skyfire laughed a little as he glanced back at Perceptor. "No, he's always wanted to be the center of attention and been extremely ambitious. But when we were alone, he was also very charming." Skyfire fondly remembered the long conversations they would get caught up in, the affectionate way Starscream would curl up against him when they recharged together, and the look of adoration in his optics after each kiss they shared.

"With the war over, have you considered trying to speak with him again?" Perceptor liked looking for solutions to the problems, a trait of his personality not that unlike Starscream's.

"I did speak to him earlier. It didn't go very well."

"I see." Perceptor rubbed at his chin. "Often times our findings need more than one test or experiment to form a firm conclusion. Perhaps a bit of persistence will yield a proper result. Or at least a more solid result that will tell you how to proceed."

Skyfire smiled. Perceptor certainly did see the world in more practical terms. "That seems like a good idea. Thank you."

"Any time," Perceptor replied brightly smiling back.

. . . .

"_You see now what a horrible mistake you made bonding to that inferior flier? No one will want you now, and what's worse, you'll never be able to have offspring." Starscream's father scolded him as he paced back and forth in the main living area of the family home. _

_Starscream had cleared his things out from Skyfire's apartment and moved back into his father's house. He had two more stellar cycles of classes before he would graduate with his second degree, and his father insisted he couldn't study and work to afford the apartment on his own at the same time. Not without his class scores suffering._

_A thick numbness had taken hold of Starscream. He no longer cared about anything at all. Even attending classes left him feeling hollow. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Without Skyfire or their sparkling, he saw no point in taking part in life. _

"_You even listening to me?" his father suddenly shouted._

_Starscream glanced up into his father's fiery red optics. "Yes." He really wasn't listening, though._

_His father's shoulders sunk. "You know I just want the best for you and for you to _be_ the best."_

"_I know." Starscream felt too emotionally disconnected to be upset his father was yelling at him. _

"_Go. You have studying to do, I'm sure." His father waved his hand in the air as he sharply gestured toward the hallway and Starscream's room beyond. Even though he was a matured mech, his father still treated him like he was a youngling._

_Without a word, Starscream stood up to do as he was told. Part of him was screaming to fight back, while the other part felt too defeated to bother. As the battle waged in his mind, he wondered which side might win out in the end. _

"_Well? You just going stand there like a statue or what?" His father sourly looked at Starscream as he folded his arms against his chest. _

_His father's words slowly repeated in his mind. _…you'll never be able to have offspring_. His spark ached as he allowed that statement sink in fully. _You see now what a horrible mistake you made bonding to that inferior flier? _Mistake or not, Skyfire had shown him what it felt like to love, and he wouldn't trade that for anything. He then narrowed his optics on his father. "Frag you."_

"_What did you just say?"_

_Starscream felt all the numbness start to slip away as an intense anger barreled to the surface. "I said, _frag you_."_

_His father's optics brightened with surprise. "You little glitch. How dare you speak to me like that? I should–"_

"_What? What more could you do me that I haven't already endured?" Starscream's anger seemed to expand and engulf him. "You are an insignificant blip in this world. Trying to make your mark on it by using me!" His fists clenched as he gave into the seductive sensation of power that his anger brought him. "I will be the best at everything I do. Remembered in the annals of time for my talent. And you will be long forgotten by everyone, _especially me_." He spun on his heels and stormed out of the house he grew up in, leaving everything behind._

_With his malaise lifted and hot anger still pumping through his lines, he quickly walked through the streets of Vos, considering what he wanted. Eventually he decided he _would_ work to keep the apartment while also studying and graduating at the top of his class. He would do it _all on his own_, even if that meant running himself into the ground. His future path of a life with Skyfire was gone, but now he would forge a new path for himself. One_ he_ planned and _he_ chose, not the one his father laid out for him._ I'm going to leave an indelible mark on history. Make a name for myself_. If the harsh reality of life was going to punch him in the spark, he decided he was going to grab hold and punch back with all his might. _

. . . .

"Where's Skywarp?" Starscream asked as he took a seat on a medbay berth across from Thundercracker. He was back on the Autobot base for the next round of negotiations and decided to stop in to see how Thundercracker was faring with his new lower arm.

"Flying with Skyfire," Thundercracker said staring down at the small sparkling curled up against his chest, deeply recharging.

_Skyfire…_ Even the mention of his name was becoming almost unbearably painful. Starscream's gaze fell to Lightningbolt. "And they left you two here?"

"I'm still having some trouble with the new arm and controlling it, so Ratchet hasn't cleared me yet. Plus, Bolt was too tired to go up anyway. He's going through a growth cycle at the moment. Ratchet said he needs more recharge when that happens."

Starscream could see the huge change in Thundercracker's demeanor after having Lightningbolt. He seemed so much more at peace, hopeful even. Starscream wondered how different he might be if he hadn't lost the sparkling he once carried. That thought made his spark silently ache in his chest. Why did the past have to hurt so much? More than that, he believed he had laid it all to rest, so why was it suddenly rearing its ugly head at him now?

"You okay?"

Starscream realized he had been staring at the sparkling. He immediately looked back up at Thundercracker and narrowed his optics. "Perfectly fine. _Why?_"

"I don't know. You seem… different lately." Thundercracker tilted his head to one side.

"Different how?" Starscream asked as he made a disapproving face.

"Almost like you're sad. Which is weird, seeing as you have everything you ever wanted," Thundercracker replied.

Shifting his hands to rest on his hips, Starscream deeply frowned. He must have not been covering up his inner turmoil very well if Thundercracker had noticed a shift in his mood. "Maybe you need to have that medic check your processor. I am perfectly content."

Thundercracker laughed. "_Riiight_. We've known each other too long for you to successfully lie to me."

"Oh, _please_. You don't know me _that well._" Starscream straightened his posture and perked his wings up.

"I most certainly do. Like whenever you lift up your wings, you are trying to seem more confident than you actually are about something," Thundercracker replied as gestured with his repaired arm. "I watched you do that countless times when you were lying to Megatron."

"Hmph." Starscream let his wings lower marginally but refused to admit his former trinemate was reading him perfectly.

"So what is it? Is it Megatron's death?" Thundercracker asked. "I honestly never understood what it was between you two, but I also never thought you were all that attached to him, either."

"Ugh, that insane manic is exactly where he belongs, in a scrap heap." Starscream said with a disdainful frown.

"Then what is it? Cause you've been acting differently since that battle," Thundercracker said as he furrowed his brow.

It occurred to Starscream that without Megatron taking up all his time and energy, that might explain why his processor was now spitting out old memories and painful repressed feelings that he hadn't had time to deal with before. _How annoying_, he thought.

Thundercracker half smiled. "Hm, is it _Skyfire?_"

"Have you got fried circuits or something? It's not anything. You're over analyzing everything. I am not any different than before, you idiot." Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at Thundercracker to show his aggravation.

"It _is_ Skyfire." Thundercracker grinned at Starscream.

"Plug in your audios. I said it's _nothing!_"

"I hear you perfectly. You're being overly defensive. _And_ your wings are hiked up as far as they'll go." Thundercracker started to laugh again. The sparkling in his arms stretched and made a small whine as his optics briefly lit. "Oh sorry, Bolt. Didn't mean to wake you." Thundercracker lightly patted Lightningbolt's back in a gentle rhythmic manner. Immediately the sparkling curled back up and slipped back off line.

"All it takes is some pats to the back and he recharges?" Starscream found the ease with which Thundercracker dealt with his sparkling amazing.

"Yeah, mimics a spark pulse. He likes it." Thundercracker looked back up at Starscream, and they locked gazes. "Look, all teasing aside, I don't mean to pry. I just hope this less harsh version of you sticks around. It's a vast improvement."

His former trinemates had both stopped censoring what they said to him, offering a candor that often surprised Starscream. He knew they disliked him, even hated him. He accepted that fact. So hearing Thundercracker speak as if he not only tolerated Starscream but also might like him on some level actually felt…_good_.

He decided to offer a little bit of trust to Thundercracker in return. "I suppose without the constant threat of Megatron, it might be altering how I act. As far as Skyfire goes, that's not something I want to talk about, understood?"

Thundercracker half smiled. "Yeah."

Starscream looked back at the sparkling. Lightningbolt really had changed so many things, all without being aware of the impact his creation had made on all their lives. Starscream envied Thundercracker. Being the supreme leader of the Decepticons was what he thought he wanted, but now he was starting wish for something more. If only he could somehow let go of the past and the pain contained within it.

"You want to hold him?" Thundercracker asked.

Starscream's gaze shot up to Thundercracker's face. "Keh, like Skywarp would ever approve of that."

"He's not here. Besides, he's not as mad at you as he was. Here, come hold him. Bolt's so tired he shouldn't cry or anything." Thundercracker sat forward and gestured with his head to come closer.

Not wanting to pass up what might be his only opportunity, Starscream stood up and moved to the side of his former trinemate's berth. Very carefully, he scooped the recharging sparkling out of Thundercracker's arms and held him against his own chest. Lightningbolt's optics dimly lit as he stretched his small limbs before curling against his cockpit without a single cry of protest at the stranger holding him. They silently stared into one another's optics. A mixture of sadness at his own loss and the amazing gesture of trust and apparent forgiveness Thundercracker exhibited felt overwhelming.

"Not Tee-cee," Lightningbolt said, seemingly confused.

"I'm Starscream, little flier."

Lightningbolt made a soft whining sound.

"Pat his back," Thundercracker directed.

Starscream mimicked the rhythmic patting he watched Thundercracker do moments before. Lightningbolt relaxed and his optics went dark as he slipped back into a light recharge. Starscream marveled at the sensation of the small sparkling's weight and warmth. His spark silently ached, and he felt intensely envious of what his trinemates had together. If only things had been different. If only Skyfire hadn't been lost that day. If only…

_So, how long will you be mad at me? _Skyfire's words echoed through his processor.

Honestly, he was tired of feeling so angry all the time, but letting go of what helped him survive was a terrifying prospect. That fierce anger gave him the strength to endure and fight. Not just fight in a war but also fight the cruel harshness reality liked to bash him with.

Staring at the small sparkling in his arms he felt a renewed desire burning in his spark, a desire for the life he had lost, but he couldn't expose himself to love again. Not when it could be so easily ripped away. Not when it nearly broke him once already.

"You and Skywarp are very fortunate," Starscream said quietly.

"I know. We beat odds stacked against us," Thundercracker replied. "Guess that's the true power of a strong bond."

Starscream glanced back at Thundercracker. "Perhaps."

'_I still love you.'_

There was no escaping or reasoning away how his spark felt. All the twisting, all the envy toward his trinemates, all the longing it kept bombarding him with… It was then he realized he still loved Skyfire, too.

_AN- This is one of a three part story that is finished. I should be posting the rest over the coming days. Thanks for reading! _


	2. Come Clean

Title: Forgive – Come Clean

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+ (some violence, and references to interfacing)

Notes: Starscream x Skyfire. 'Regardless' heavily referenced, please read that fic before reading this one. Also references events from Transformers Episode: "Fire in the Sky," specifically when Starscream shoots Skyfire. Starscream's past is filled with painful memories of a life he never got to have. Will he forgive and move forward?

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta.

Title taken from the song 'Seven Months' by Portishead,

_" How can I forget you  
Disregard how I feel  
Silently listen  
To the words I can't see"_

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

...

_The darkness of the hallway almost completely wrapped around him. The only light in the entry way spilled outward from the open lift entrance. Starscream crawled his way toward it, since his one leg was too mangled to stand on. Pulling himself into the lift, he chose the barracks level by pressing the middle button, then shifted to sit propped up against the inner wall for his ride down. His wings had also been bent in the one-sided fight, causing him to bite back the urge to whimper as the small waves of pain radiated through him from the injuries. _

_Megatron never wanted unsolicited advice. He always thought he was right, even when he was wrong. Despite the fact Starscream knew that was how Megatron operated, he couldn't help himself from contradicting him when he saw flaws in logic or a complete lack of foresight. Sometimes he chose to call Megatron out in front of the troops, and sometimes he chose to call him out in private. _

_Glancing at the twisted metal of his thigh, he sighed, a huff of air hissing from his intakes. Doing so in private often meant getting slagged for his efforts. Of course, it certainly didn't help matters that they were right in the middle of interfacing when he decided to mention how he thought stealing a substandard 'supercomputer' from the humans was a waste of time. He was bored, though. Megatron could be good in the berth if he was in the proper mood, like after a successful raid, but this evening he was only it for his own gratification, leaving Starscream feeling like a pleasure bot with a slot to use. A wave of anger rippled through him, distracting him from his physical pain for a moment. To be treated like he didn't know anything often reminded him of how his father used to speak to him._

_The lift came to a stop and the door opened, thankfully ending his train of thought. Starscream crawled into the hallway then commed Thundercracker. He was far too embarrassed to have his trinemate know he had been in Megatron's quarters when he got himself beaten into a slagheap and then tossed into the entryway like a piece of garbage. :: Thundercracker, I need you to come get me and take me to medbay. ::_

_After a long pause, his trinemate finally answered. :: Be right there. ::_

_The door at the end of the hallway opened, and Thundercracker walked out, sporting a frown. Starscream frowned back. _

_Without a word, his trinemate picked him up and carted him into the lift. They rode down to the medbay level in silence. Starscream stared at the side of Thundercracker's face. No matter the circumstance for getting injured, Thundercracker always came for both Starscream and Skywarp. It was an unspoken promise he made to their trine, and one that Starscream had come to depend on. _

_This wasn't the first time, or the last time he was going to be beaten up for opening his mouth in Megatron's presence. A little bit of comfort came with knowing he at least had Thundercracker to rely on no matter what and that both his trinemates would follow his orders without questioning him. Unlike Megatron, he could at least force them to show him the respect he deserved. _

...

After a few Earth weeks, Starscream and Prime had come to a final agreement and outlined of how to proceed toward a peaceful future. Some from each faction would stay on Earth to collect resources for fuel while others would be sent back to start the rebuilding of their once glorious home.

Starscream stared at the report Soundwave gave him. It listed the members of the crew interested in going back to Cybertron for the rebuilding efforts. It looked like nearly everyone was ready to escape this dirty organic planet. Starscream rubbed the back of his head and frowned at the report, knowing he would have to rotate everyone in cycles. His thoughts then strayed on him. _I wonder where Skyfire will end up?_ "Gah! Stop thinking about him!" Starscream scolded himself and tossed the datapad in his grip at his desk. He couldn't shake how hollow he felt inside. A dull ache had started to affect his spark. A growing part of him now longed for something more than being the leader of the Decepticons. Memories of the one truly happy time in his life with Skyfire started to loom heavily in his thoughts, overshadowing everything else going on. _Primus, why I am so pathetic? _

The buzzer to his office sounded, and he glanced up. An annoyed-looking frown curved his mouth as he triggered the door open by remote, revealing Dirge and, to his shock, Skyfire.

"Skyfire wanted to see you." Dirge stepped back, allowing the larger shuttle to pass by him and enter Starscream's office.

Gesturing for Dirge to leave, Starscream immediately hit the release, closing the door. He got to his feet and took an authoritative stance, with his hands on his hips and wings perked up on his back. His spark was suddenly racing, but he railed against its fearful excitement, mustering his more controllable and familiar emotion of anger. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Skyfire straightened his posture and clasped his hands behind his back. "I wanted to talk to you."

"About?" Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his optics.

"Us."

Instantly, Starscream's spark started pulsing hard. The feelings raging through him became a mish-mash of anger, excitement, fear, and desire for their lost life. He fought to maintain control and seem indifferent, though. "There is no '_us'_."

Skyfire sadly frowned. "I am not sure throwing away our past is the best choice if we want to move on. I think we should actually talk about what happened." The larger mech stepped forward.

"Hmph." Starscream canted his head. "What is there to talk about? You disappeared, I lived on, and we went our separate ways. Besides, I am not the mech you once knew."

Skyfire's wings seem to sag slightly as he furrowed his brow. "Thing is, I can't stop thinking that fate or maybe even Primus brought us back together for a second chance. I know you've changed, but at the same time I can see glimmers of who you once were. I see it in how hard you are trying to redeem yourself with your trinemates. I see it in how you have been working to negotiate peace. Even if you've changed, I know you are still the Starscream I fell in love with." Skyfire lifted one hand to rest over the center of his chest. "And my spark won't stop aching for you."

"That idealistic aft you loved is long gone. I am who I am now. Accept it!" Starscream's hands shifted to his hips again as he flicked his wings. "Fate, Primus or whatever doesn't give a frag about me! If that were true I wouldn't have _lost everything!_ The mech you once shared a berth with no longer exists, replaced by the one that shot you for being insubordinate. You honestly think things will just go back to how they were?"

Skyfire looked hurt but also determined not be put off by Starscream's anger, coming closer as he stepped to the side of the desk. "I know all that. I know things will never be how they were. But I can't help how I feel. I love you, Starscream. Is there really no way to earn your forgiveness?"

Starscream's spark suddenly twisted in its chamber. _Forgive him?_ "I lost everything," Starscream repeated in a quieter voice. _Including our sparkling.._.

Skyfire moved the same side of the desk as Starscream with one step. "I'm here now. Let me make up for abandoning you. There has to be something I can do to fix this. Name it and I'll do it." Skyfire's voice wavered slightly. "Or...if you really don't love me say so. I'll walk away and never bother you again if that's the case."

A tidal wave of sadness pushed through Starscream, blotting out his other mixed emotions. His missed Skyfire, he missed the life they once had, he missed that he was once so happy. There was no denying those feelings of longing for what he lost. He stared up into the soft glow of Skyfire's optics and remembered how wonderful it had been back then. To be held, watched over, supported, and loved so unconditionally. Then it had all been ripped away from him. He simply couldn't fathom being so emotionally exposed again. It simply wasn't safe to do so. "There is nothing you can do."

Skyfire's optics dimmed. "Nothing at all?" he asked in a whisper as he reached out and lightly ran his fingers down Starscream's upper arm. "So, you don't love me anymore?"

It suddenly became too much to bear, as Starscream felt the coolant pooling in his optics. "Of course _I love you_, you fragger!" He spun to face Skyfire and grabbed hold of the large hand and held against the center of his chest. "I lost everything when I lost you. _Everything_." He squeezed the large white hand against his chest. "Including the sparkling I was carrying!"

Skyfire's optics flared brightly. "…Sparkling?"

Starscream dug his fingers into the hand in his grasp. "Yes."

"I didn't know–"

"Of course you didn't! I found out when I got back to Cybertron. It was all I had left of you, and I lost it. The medic said my spark reabsorbed it. I failed to keep the one piece of you I had left." Bitterness and hurt crept into Starscream's voice. He had never spoken of what happened to anyone before. Even after all this time, his wounds from so long ago felt just as fresh and raw.

With his other hand, Skyfire traced his fingers down Starscream's cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You have no idea. None!" Starscream shook his head as he felt his emotional barriers wavering under the weight of his painful memories.

Suddenly, Starscream felt himself tugged into an embrace. Large arms folded around him, and he was pressed against the warmth of Skyfire's body. Burying his face in the broad chest, he felt the tight control he held over his emotions break as he started to silently sob. He never cried over losing his sparkling before, having gone completely numb back then instead. It was a release of pent of pain a long time coming, and he hated that he lacked the ability to stop it from escaping.

For nearly a breem, he continued to cry. Skyfire remained silent, holding him close and lightly rubbing his back below his wings in a comforting motion. Starscream's hands curled into fists against Skyfire's chest. The scent, warmth, and comfort of his once beloved bondmate hadn't changed at all, but Starscream knew he had changed so much. His anger started to surface again as he reminded himself that nothing would ever be like it once was. He weakly punched at Skyfire's chest. "Frag you," he said, his voice crackling with static.

Skyfire remained mute; his only reaction was to hold Starscream tighter. Finally, Starscream made a concerted effort to escape the arms encompassing him, and Skyfire let go, looking down with dimmed his optics at Starscream.

"I don't want to feel like this. And it's all your fault! _All of it! _I never would have known this kind of pain if you hadn't kissed me!" Starscream then shoved Skyfire hard. "Get out! Go away! Leave me alone!"

"Is that what you really want?" Skyfire stared at him, his wings sagging behind him.

Starscream's whole frame was trembling. "Leave! And let go of whatever fragged up notion you have that we'll ever be what we once were!" As the words poured out of his mouth, Starscream instantly recognized them as what he had told himself over and over since Skyfire had been revived. Words used to fend off his own longing for a life lost; words that also clearly cut deep into Skyfire, if the deeply sad look on his face was any indication.

"Okay. If that's what you want." Skyfire backed away and walked to the door, which opened as he stepped near it. He gave one last glance over his shoulder a Starscream. "I'll always love you." With that, he exited the office and disappeared from sight as the door slid closed.

Starscream slammed his fist into the desk, leaving a deep dent. "Fraggit!" He never meant to tell anyone about the sparkling, especially Skyfire. Why was he so weak? Why was he so pathetic? Why was so terrified of letting go of his anger? Why did he still have to be so in love with Skyfire? He fell back into his chair and buried his face in his hands and started to sob all over again. This time it wasn't just for the long lost sparkling, but for also pushing away the one mech that still meant everything to him, even after all this time. _I'm such a fragging moron..._

. . . .

"You look like slag," Skywarp said as he leaned close to Starscream.

"You look like a baffon," Starscream replied dryly.

"Do not!" Skywarp replied with a pouty frown.

"Enough, you two." Thundercracker carried Lightningbolt as they walked to the entrance of the _Ark_. Their small sparkling made different noises peppered with the words 'fly' and 'go now'.

Starscream had been invited to go with his former trinemates for a flight. It was the first time they had asked him to go, and despite not feeling much like socializing or even being near the _Ark_ for fear of running into Skyfire, he accepted anyway. This invitation to join them had been a hard-earned one, and he wanted to be sure he took them up on it.

They meandered out into the open area just outside the _Ark_ entrance. Thundercracker glanced at Starscream and furrowed his brow. "You do look _tired_. You sure you're okay?"

Frowning, Starscream put his hands on his hips. "I'm _fine_." Of course, that was a total lie. Since Skyfire's visit an Earth week earlier, he had been a mess. Unable to recharge, not interested in refueling, and struggling to get his work as the new Decepticon leader taken care of. Things had been bad before, but now they were even worse.

Thundercracker raised an optic ridge, but didn't push the matter.

"Let's get going already." Starscream lifted off the ground with his thrusters.

Skywarp initiated his thrusters too, lifting into the air. Thundercracker quickly joined them, also floating just above the ground while holding Lightningbolt firmly against his chest. The small sparkling happily squealed and looked very excited to be airborne.

"Too bad Skyfire isn't around. Then it would be like a reunion," Skywarp said, blissfully unaware of Starscream's past. "Seems like he's always off with that little science geek Autobot lately."

"What science geek Autobot?" Starscream asked as he narrowed his optics on Skywarp.

"That little red and blue one that turns into a microscope. What's his name?" Skywarp glanced at Thundercracker. The two then started to exchange a series of looks, undoubtedly speaking over their bond.

"Stop it you two! If you have something to say, say it out loud!" Starscream snapped. He had already been teetering on the edge of losing control due to exhaustion, so news of Skyfire spending a lot of time with someone had the effect of instantly setting him off. _How dare Skyfire find someone else to be close with? Perhaps they are just friends. Still, what if it turns into more than a friendship? After all that's how we started off, as friends. What if–_

"Skyfire hasn't spent any time with us for almost a whole Earth week now. The few times we have seem him, he has been with Perceptor," Thundercracker explained in a solemn voice.

"I see." Starscream did his best to regain control and fight back the sudden flare of jealousy he felt. He couldn't allow himself to fall apart in front of them. "Hmph. Like I care. Let's go!"

Starscream pushed a burst of power rushing to his thrusters and took off. His former trinemates followed, and they flew together through the clear blue sky over the Autobot base. To distract himself from obsessing over Skyfire, he concentrated on watching the new family interact. Thundercracker and Skywarp looped around one another with their sparkling flailing his arms wildly and calling out both parents' names. Skywarp would sometimes fly in close and pat Lightningbolt on the head, then fall back and make faces, which would then send Lightningbolt into giggle fits, his laughter carrying on the wind.

Starscream let his gaze focus on the small sparkling in Thundercracker's arms. Lightningbolt was so full of promise. He had every right to be so happy with all his life still ahead of him. No regrets, no hurt, no disappointments, only a future that had yet to unfold. In addition to all the hope Lightningbolt embodied, he also had two loving creators that openly showered affection on him. How lucky that little sparkling was. If only Starscream could start all over again…

Suddenly, a series of warnings went scrolling through Starscream's processor, derailing his train of self-pitying thoughts. Before he could comprehend what was happening, his thrusters failed. He tried to force them to online as he felt himself falling out of the sky, only then realizing his fuel tank was completely empty, causing their failure to respond as well as a system-wide shut down.

_Frag_.

. . . .

Slowly, Starscream's systems rebooted. He wasn't in any physical pain, like he had expected from impacting the ground from such a great height. A quick check told him he wasn't damaged at all. Had Thundercracker or Skywarp caught him before he crashed to the ground?

He lit his optics and glanced around, realizing he was in the Autobot medbay. A curtain blocked his view, wrapping neatly around the space that the berth occupied. Beyond the blocked view he could hear voices.

"You're sure?" Starscream recognized that voice as Thundercracker's.

"Yeah."

"Well, can you confine him to medbay?" Thundercracker asked.

"No. It's his choice to not take care of himself. I can't force him into anything." Starscream realized the second voice was the Autobot medic, Ratchet.

"There must be something you can do."

"There isn't anything _I_ can do. _You_, on the other hand, can try and talk some sense into him."

Footsteps neared the edge of the curtain, and it was ripped back, revealing Thundercracker. His former trinemate stood glowering at him, with Ratchet just behind him.

"What the frag is wrong with you?" Thundercracker asked angrily.

"That's not really what I meant for you to do," Ratchet said as he rubbed at his forehead and frowned at Thundercracker.

"Nothing is wrong with me." Starscream crossed his arms over his chest. He could never openly admit just how bad things in his personal little world had become, especially to Thundercracker. He didn't want him know about Skyfire anymore than he wanted him to know about the beatings Megatron often administered in his quarters.

"_Nothing?_ Suddenly off-lining midair is _nothing?_" Thundercracker clenched his hands into fists.

Starscream glanced down at his unharmed frame then back at Thundercracker. "Do I _look_ damaged?"

Thundercracker reached out and tapped the side of Starscream's helm. "_Something_ in there is broken. You had no fuel in your tank! Why the frag would you not refuel?"

_Because I was too distracted by my pain to bother. _"I just forgot."

Thundercracker canted his head and narrowed his optics. "Forgot? That's the story you are going with? I really think you could come with a better lie than that."

"I don't answer to you, so why don't you just leave me alone?" Starscream heard the words he yelled at Skyfire repeat in his mind, _Get out! Go away! Leave me alone! _Primus, he was so lonely. Why did he keep pushing everyone away, then? Oh right, to avoid getting hurt again.

"I fragging give up. I thought maybe you were finally going to ditch the whole being an aft routine. That maybe Warp and I could get to know you as more than a self-absorbed glitch. Apparently I was wrong. You must really like making every one hate you." Thundercracker faintly shook his head. "I don't get it. I really don't."

"You think I like being this way?" Starscream shouted. He pushed to sit up and leaned close to Thundercracker, narrowing his optics on his former subordinate. "You don't have a single fragging clue!"

"How I am suppose to have a clue when you don't ever share anything!" Thundercracker yelled back.

Starscream sat back. He was not only stunned by how Thundercracker didn't back down, but also by how he had so easily called out Starscream's behavior. At what point had Thundercracker figured out so much about him? They stared at one another. Starscream was too dumbstruck to come up with a flippant reply.

"Ratchet, could you give us a moment?" Thundercracker half turned toward the medic.

"Yeah." The medic stepped back and closed the curtain.

Turning his attention to Starscream, Thundercracker's face pinched with a look of worry. "Honestly, Starscream. How do you ever expect anyone to get close to you if you keep shoving them away? I know that's what you do. I've watched it happen time and time again. It certainly can't be a pleasant existence being alone all the time."

Starscream quickly averted his gaze to his hands now resting in his lap. "Maybe I don't want anyone close to me."

"Maybe. Although I have a feeling this has far more to do with Skyfire than you want me to think. And I if I had to guess, I'd say you got burned, really badly, and you're terrified of letting anyone know who you really are." Thundercracker spoke in a low, gentle voice. "Trust me, I know all about hiding things. I'll tell you something; I am much happier just being who I am."

"You make it sound so easy." Starscream lifted his gaze up to Thundercracker's face.

"It's not."

"Great. Just the encouraging words I needed to hear," Starscream said sarcastically.

Thundercracker suddenly smiled.

"What?" Starscream asked, confused by the shift in expression.

"That's the real you." Thundercracker playfully shoved Starscream's shoulder.

"And you would know?" Starscream asked as he half frowned.

"Yes. And I have a feeling there is someone else who would know, too. Maybe you could try talking to him, instead of shooting or yelling at him."

"Maybe." Starscream sourly frowned at Thundercracker.

Starscream wasn't sure he had it in him to push past his fears. To somehow manage to move on and open his spark all over again was a truly terrifying prospect. But if Thundercracker could do it, then he certainly should be able to. Right?

….

"This specimen is quite interesting." Perceptor was in his microscope mode, inspecting a piece of rock off the nearby mountain.

Skyfire watched Perceptor, holding some other samples from higher up on the mountain that he collected. They were out looking for mineral rich resources to convert to energon that wouldn't interfere with the resources humans commonly used.

"You have been very quiet these last couple Earth weeks. Is everything all right?" Perceptor's glassy lens shifted its focus up from the sample on his tray to Skyfire.

"I'm fine," Skyfire replied. Since his last talk with Starscream he had been anything but 'fine', though. It was taking a concerted effort to appear like his usual friendly self around the base. His spark had been causing him great pain if he were left alone with his thoughts too long, and his recharges had become fitful due to memory file dumps of his life with Starscream.

"Hm. Pardon my being so blunt, but it seems to me that you are quite unhappy." Perceptor transformed, snatching the piece of rock from the tray mid-air. He stepped forward and placed a hand on Skyfire's arm. "I am not going to pry into personal matters that are clearly very troubling for you. But please know my offer of friendship and being here to listen will always stand."

Skyfire nodded to the smaller mech. "I'm not ready to talk about anything right now, but thank you."

Perceptor sadly smiled. "I certainly wish my expertise extended to more practical matters."

"Just offering to be my friend is more than enough, Percy." Skyfire felt fortunate that Perceptor was so kind toward him. He knew that he could trust Perceptor with his true self and that meant a great deal to him.

"Well, how about I distract you then? These samples certainly won't analyze themselves. Let's head back to the base, shall we? Bury ourselves in some work." Perceptor took the rock chunks from Skyfire's hands and sub-spaced them.

"Sounds like a good plan to me."

It was going to take time to accept that Starscream would never be a part of Skyfire's life again. Knowing he had one good friend to lean on as he slowly worked to accept Starscream's rejection of him meant more to him than he could ever express to Perceptor. Maybe when he had healed a little more, he could figure out how to repay the incredible kindness Perceptor showered on him.

Skyfire walked out to a flat area of the mountainous terrain where he could transform. Just as he was going to initiate the sequence, he heard Perceptor yelp. He spun around to see Starscream holding Perceptor in a headlock from behind.

"Starscream! Let him go right now!" Skyfire quickly ran back toward the pair.

"Over me like that, hm? All ready replacing me with this little ground pounder?" Starscream's hold was tight although Perceptor didn't appear to be in any pain.

"He's just my friend, that's all." Jealousy was written all over Starscream's face. "Please, let go of him," Skyfire pleaded.

"Fine." Starscream released Perceptor, then struck his usual haughty pose with his hands on his hips.

Perceptor quickly moved to Skyfire's side, rubbing at his neck.

"Why are you here, Starscream?" Skyfire asked.

"Hm. To make sure there was no funny business going on between you two," Starscream said as he narrowed his optics on Perceptor.

Skyfire could hardly believe his audios. Starscream had flaunted the fact he was interfacing with Megatron, and now _he_ was jealous? "Even if there was something between me and Percy, you've made it abundantly clear you don't want me in your life. So how is what I do any of your business?"

Starscream's wings lowered, and his gaze shifted to Skyfire. "I guess it's not. After the way I have been acting, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you hated me, actually."

Staring at Starscream in disbelief, Skyfire could feel his spark pulsing hard in his chest. Was Starscream trying to make amends? Was there hope for them? "I told you that I'd always love you."

Starscream's optics brightened, then dimmed. "Yeah, I know."

It was clear that whatever Starscream was trying to do, he was a struggling to do it. His posture signified a lack of confidence. It seemed like there was something he wanted to say, but that he didn't know how to say it.

"Why are you here, really? I don't think this is just about Percy." Skyfire wanted more than anything to move closer, but he fought his urge, knowing that it was Starscream's turn to reach out to him.

Starscream frowned but didn't say anything more.

"Might I interject?" Perceptor asked as stepped forward.

"No. This is between me and Skyfire!" Starscream replied.

"Yes, you can." Skyfire gave Starscream a pointed look.

"A-hem. Well. I don't know the full details of what has caused this large rift between you two. But I have actually been considering the situation you both seem to be in. Where as my expertise doesn't usually apply to life matters, I do think–"

"Get to the point!" Starscream snapped.

"I was about to." Perceptor said, while making a disapproving face at Starscream. "I think that perhaps the best thing to do is start over. When an experiment is tainted by outside influences, it has to be reset. So why not apply that here?"

Silence reigned for a long moment. Start over? Skyfire thought that was one of most brilliant things he had ever heard Perceptor say. He glanced back over at Starscream. "What do you think?"

Starscream furrowed his brow. "We can't start over. We're _already_ bonded."

"Yes, well. Do you communicate with that bond?" Perceptor asked.

"No," Starscream bitterly replied.

"Then it's a moot point. You already treat the bond like it doesn't exist, so start over. Find what is was that brought you together in the first place. And either you'll find that you are both still in love with one another and can reopen the bond, or you may discover you are no longer matched. Either way, it would be the best course of action. Certainly more productive than–"

"All right! I get the point." Starscream crossed his arms over his chest then looked at Skyfire. "How do you put up with all his jabbering?"

Skyfire stifled a laugh, since Starscream could be just as long winded at times. "Would you be willing to try and start over?"

"It sounds good in theory. I just don't see how it would work in practice." Starscream flicked his wings as he deeply frowned.

"Well. We were friends first, and we used to go on outings together. Maybe that's a place to start?" Skyfire could feel hope welling within him. He knew if Starscream could get past his anger and forgive they had a real chance of repairing things.

"All right. We can try it, I guess. But I get to chose what we do first."

Skyfire felt a smile bloom across his lips. Starscream used to always pick what they did together. "Okay."

"I'll send you a message once I decide." Starscream's thrusters roared on as he lifted up into the air.

"Thank you for giving this a try," Skyfire shouted up to Starscream.

A funny look crossed Starscream's face. "Hmph. It's the least I can do, considering I _did_ shoot you." With that, Starscream transformed and took off into the sky.

"I hope I helped." Perceptor glanced up at Skyfire. "Are you all right?"

"Yes. I'm all right." Skyfire felt like he might burst from the immense amount of hope he now felt. Starscream may have changed, but he knew that everything he loved about him was still there, waiting to be released. He wasn't sure how the tight lock around Starscream's spark had started to come undone, but he was immensely grateful for even the slim chance at reclaiming the love he knew they still felt for one another. "And you helped a lot, Percy. Thank you."

…

_AN- One more chapter to go for this story. Thanks for the wonderful reviews. I am glad you all like this. I have another story for Wheeljack/Ratchet planned after this one, too. I should be posting the third part to this in a day or so. Thanks again for reading!_


	3. Letting Go to Hold On

Title: Forgive – Letting Go to Hold On

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: M (spark bonding, ref to interfacing)

Notes: Starscream x Skyfire. 'Regardless' heavily referenced, please read that fic before reading this one. Also references events from Transformers Episode: Fire in the Sky, specifically when Starscream shoots Skyfire. Starscream's past is filled with painful memories of a life he never got to have. Will he forgive and move forward?

Thanks to Mirage Shinkiro for the beta.

Title taken from the song 'Seven Months' by Portishead, but I like this part of Misty Canyon by Anjali for this chapter:

_" Oh, I can figure that you really need my love  
'Cause I've been in the twilight far too long  
So I'll unlock my heart and throw you the key  
And you can do what you want with me...  
This time, I'll put my heart on the line."_

Also... Transformers belong to Hasbro, I am just playing with them.

...

The wind whipped over Skyfire's frame as he flew toward the coordinates Starscream had sent him. He was excited and nervous for their rendezvous. Perceptor had been very encouraging over the intervening days while he waited for Starscream to contact him, reassuring him that things would work out. Skyfire hoped with all his spark that they could reconcile, but he also knew that there was an awful lot of pain inflicted on both sides. Starting over was a good way to help deal with things at slower, less pressured pace, but he knew they each needed to let go of the past pain in order for this to work. He wondered if they would each be able to do it.

Coming up on the location, he spied a small pond set in the middle of a forested area. The time for their meeting was set close to sunset, and the sky was already turning pink and orange overhead as he transformed and landed. Glancing around, he didn't see Starscream. An uneasy feeling rolled through him. Had Starscream lost his nerve?

The roar of a jet overhead caught his attention. He spied the tri-colored jet transform and fly to where he stood among the trees.

"I forget how big you are sometimes. I didn't realize the trees would be your height." Starscream landed beside Skyfire. "Sorry I am a little late. The Constructicons had a long list of supplies they expected me to finagle out of the Autobots. Getting that boring leader of yours to agree to send them what they wanted took longer than I expected."

Skyfire was grinning. _Starscream is actually_ talking_ to me_, he thought. "I just got here."

Starscream canted his head and narrowed his optics. "What's with the goofy smile?"

"I'm just happy to see you."

"Oh." Starscream suddenly looked a little nervous. "Well, let's walk this way."

Skyfire obediently followed Starscream as they wove through the trees to the edge of the pond and came to a stop. Looking out over the body of water, he wondered why Starscream picked this place, since it didn't seem all that remarkable. A small pinpoint of light zipped through the air over the water. Were his optics on the fritz? Then another light flared and faded, and then another...

"As it gets darker, more of the glowing insects will come out. The humans have different names for them, calling them fireflies or lightning bugs. The light and intervals in which they flash are mating calls," Starscream explained.

Starscream's choice of location clearly paralleled their trip to the museum to see the glowing organic display so long ago on Cybertron. The place they first held hands and first kissed. Skyfire was deeply touched by the symbolism.

More and more of the glowing insects flew around the pond as the sky above them darkened. They stood in silence watching the light show. After a couple breems, Skyfire decided to reach out once more. He glanced at Starscream, who looked almost sad as he stared out over the water. Ever so lightly, Skyfire traced his fingers along Starscream's hand. "Would it be all right if I–"

Starscream grabbed hold and laced their fingers together. "Yes."

Skyfire squeezed the hand in his grip, and Starscream squeezed back. A long stretch of comfortable silence followed. Skyfire wondered if he was being overly optimistic. Even though this was a huge amount of progress, he knew they had yet to face down the past in order to let the painful parts of it go. As much as he wanted to jump in and discuss things, he also knew they needed to move forward cautiously. For the moment he decided to simply enjoy the time he did get to have with Starscream to the fullest.

A tug on Skyfire's arm caught his attention, and he looked down at Starscream, whose pretty red optics dimly lit the rest of his face in the darkness.

"Do I have to do everything?" Starscream asked.

"Do everything?" Skyfire repeated, unsure what Starscream was alluding to.

Starscream turned and pressed up against Skyfire, placing his free hand on Skyfire's chest. "You really are a dense lunk-head sometimes."

Reaching out, Skyfire traced his fingertips down the side of Starscream's face. "Am I now?"

Nodding, Starscream half smiled. "What are you waiting for? Kiss me already."

"I don't want to push too fast, Starscream."

"But it's what I want," Starscream said as his smile switched to a small pouty frown.

Leaning closer, Skyfire brushed their lips together. "I never _could_ say no to you," he whispered before pressing forward and initiating a soft-mouthed kiss.

As darkness wrapped around them, they stood kissing one another. It felt like no time had passed at all. Starscream's lips, and even his hand stroking along Skyfire's chest, was just like it had been when they first started seeing one another. His spark pulsed hard in his chest as hope and love seem to expand outward from it.

Skyfire finally pulled back, ending their long kiss. He gazed deeply into Starscream's optics, seeing that he was just as beautiful now as he had been when they first met.

Starscream's somewhat serene expression suddenly shifted as his face pinched at the bridge of nose.

"Something wrong?" Skyfire asked.

"I don't know." Starscream averted his gaze, staring at Skyfire's chest.

He knew that they needed to move slowly. Maybe kissing so soon had been a step too far, but he did honestly have a hard time denying Starscream anything he asked for. "Maybe we should take things in small steps."

"Small steps. Steps towards exposing myself again, you mean." Starscream shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know if I can really do this."

Skyfire sensed Starscream was trying to emotionally run away. He had to stop him, but how? "It's not like you to give up so easily. Please don't end things before they start."

Silence reigned for a long drawn out moment as Starscream traced his blue fingers over the shapes of Skyfire's chest in darkness. Finally, he looked back up at Skyfire with dimmed optics, and his lips pulled down into a deep frown. "What if I lose you again?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Starscream…" Skyfire leaned close and pressed a brief kiss to his forehead. "I'm not going anywhere. You won't lose me. I'll always stay by your side as long as you want me to."

"Hmph. You can't promise me that! Fate ripped you away from me once! What's to say it won't do it again?"

"That same fate brought us back together. Of all the planets you all could have crash- landed on, it was _this planet_. Of all the places Megatron would try to tap power, it was _right _where I was entombed." Skyfire cupped Starscream's chin. "And maybe I _can't_ promise a future where I'll always be here, but I do think letting 'what if' paralyze us from enjoying the moment is a mistake. Instead of focusing on what might happen, maybe we should just enjoy the here and now."

Starscream's optics brightened. "Here and now?"

Skyfire smiled as he nodded.

"I suppose you have a point." Starscream's worried look faded a little as he glanced back out over the pond beside them.

Skyfire kept his attention pinned on Starscream, though. The glowing insects were pretty, but Starscream was far more captivating. Skyfire's spark seemed to switch between aching and fluttering. He wanted to make this work with every ounce of his being; however, if Starscream was unwilling to try, there wasn't anything he could do. _I have to enjoy what little he's willing to give…_

Starscream eventually turned his attention back on Skyfire. "I should be getting back soon."

Skyfire nodded. "All right."

Starscream unclasped their hands and then splayed both his blue hands against Skyfire's chest as he pressed his smaller frame against him. "Well?"

"Well? What?" Skyfire asked.

"Hold me, you big lunk, before I have to go," Starscream replied, with a small smile.

Chuckling at the tease, Skyfire wrapped his larger arms around Starscream, hugging him close. The warmth of the smaller frame in his grasp, the happy pulsing of his spark, and the feeling of renewed hope were all so intoxicating. Skyfire felt like he could move planets if he had to. Primus, he would do anything for Starscream, and desperately hoped that this new start would lead them back to the love they once shared. However, if in the end it didn't work out, he would at least have a few fresher, happy memories of moments like this one.

….

Starscream lie curled up in his berth after returning from his outing with Skyfire. He stared at the one surviving holoframe filled with still images of the two of them together. He distinctly remembered being sad that he had to leave the apartment they once shared in order to move onto the temporary base Megatron established in Vos. He decided at the time to give up all his personal belongings, breaking his ties to the past and the life he once had with Skyfire. He threw out everything that reminded him of Skyfire, everything except for this one holoframe, which had been tucked into his subspace pocket and had not been removed since he placed it there eons ago.

The holoframe played the images on it, changing to a new image every 10 astro-seconds: Skyfire grinning while standing in front of the Celestial Temple in Iacon, Starscream smooshed up against Skyfire as he held out the recorder to take an image of them together in front of the same temple, Skyfire holding Starscream from behind in Nova Cronum with the beautiful buildings as a backdrop, a side image of Starscream staring out over the Rust Sea with the fuming gases lifting up in plumes in the distance, and an image of them on the couch of their apartment with Skyfire kissing Starscream's cheek. They had traveled, worked and lived a life anyone would dream of.

"I forgot how happy we were."

While he was aware they had lived a good life together, seeing the images triggered the emotions attached to those memories. They always had so much fun together. Everyone else in Starscream's life, from his classmates to his father, had been busy criticizing him for being himself. Skyfire never once talked down to him or tried to change him, having always treated him with such love.

_I'll tell you something; I am much happier just being who I am._

Was that the answer? Had Thundercracker found the truth to being free of fear? Was that the way to stop the wretched darkness that seemed to be consuming Starscream's spark? Even if that was it, his former trinemate didn't seem to have the same deep-seated fear of losing everything. In fact, he had risked his very life. What would Starscream have to put on the line to gain that freedom of self?

After he lost both Skyfire and their sparkling he had only managed to push on by fostering his anger and using it to appear strong and formidable. Over time that anger started to feel comforting. He used it as a tool to survive and get what he wanted. Starscream realized as stared at the images from his past that his anger didn't have the power to fill the void in his spark. It helped him attain the power he had relentlessly pursued, but it couldn't comfort in the way Skyfire's love had. It couldn't get him what he was starting to realize he _truly _wanted: to be happy.

"I wonder if I can do it. Live in the here and now like you said." Starscream traced his fingers over the image of Skyfire displayed. He wanted to be able to open his spark and feel his mate. Primus, he just wanted to feel whole again.

….

The Contructicons had worked hard to build a proper building to be the headquarters for the new capitol of Cybertron, New Vos. Starscream had chosen the area of the flier's former home to rebuild on in honor of the fact it had been fliers that took down Megatron and ended their millennia-long war.

As per the final agreements with Prime, Starscream was placed in charge of running Cybertron. He and a handful of Decepticons were already occupying the barracks of the new building, but in an orn he would be in charge of a set of Autobots from Earth as well. That might have been a cause for worry, but as it turned out, having his trinemates living on the _Ark_ for as long as they had eased a lot of tension between the factions. Everyone, from Decepticon to Autobot, only had to meet Lightningbolt or even the Autobot sparkling, Miles, once to fully understand why the fighting had come to an end. It seemed that the biggest change had more to do with transitioning from wartime to peacetime now.

Starscream carefully set his holoframe set at an angle on a shelf in his new quarters. He stared at it for a moment then glanced around the room. He really didn't have any personal belongings, making the space look empty. A part of him wished it was a little more inviting, since he was expecting company soon.

Skyfire was scheduled to arrive from Earth with a shipment of energon in a couple breems, and they made plans to see each other. Starscream felt his spark nervously flutter at the idea of seeing him. Although it had been eight orns and dozens of so-called 'dates', he still felt terribly nervous right before their meetings. He couldn't seem to shake the uneasy feelings he had around seeing Skyfire, and he knew they weren't connecting the way he wanted, even if they did have a good time talking and getting reacquainted. That was all that happened, though, talking, an occasional kiss, and nothing more. Starscream wanted more. Despite racking his processor, he couldn't figure out how to get past the emotional blocks that were standing in the way.

A check of the time reminded him that Skyfire would be arriving shortly, so he exited his quarters and made his way toward the cargo area where the spacebridge had been relocated. He rode the lift down to the lower levels and briskly walked towards the main cargo hold. As he neared the door he heard the two officers he had assigned to help unload chatting.

"Those Autobots better not try and start anything, or else I'll take 'em down," Octane said.

"No kidding. I think they should just stay on Earth," Full Tilt replied.

Starscream frowned as he stepped into the doorway. "First of all, the Autobots being sent here aren't the sort that would ever pick a fight with you two morons. And secondly, if I see either of you so much as give them a cross look I will have you sent up to the Cybertronium mines. I promise Shockwave won't be half as nice to you as I am."

Both Decepticons stiffened at the threat.

"Yes, sir," they replied in unison.

A loud whir suddenly filled the room as the control panel for the spacebridge lit up. Starscream felt his spark pulsing hard in his chest as the doors parted and revealed Skyfire as well as a large pile of energon cubes.

"Hey there," Skyfire said as he stepped out.

"Unload the energon," Starscream directed his officers as he walked toward Skyfire. The two Decepticons quickly hopped up and did as they were told, and Starscream glanced back over at Skyfire with a half smile. "Hey there, yourself."

Skyfire grinned in response.

Once the shipment was unloaded, Starscream led Skyfire through the new base, pointing out different areas. He knew he was talking for the sake of talking in order to distract himself from the nervous flutters of his spark. Skyfire seemed genuinely interested in the features of the new capitol building and even asked questions occasionally. Before Starscream knew it, though, they arrived at his quarters. He palmed the entry pad and the door whooshed open to reveal his sparse new home.

"And here we are." Starscream meandered toward the small couch and glanced around. "It needs more furnishings, though."

"It's nice." Skyfire walked around the main living area, looking around when suddenly his small smile evaporated. "You still have one?"

"One what?" Starscream asked, unsure why he had the sudden shift in expression.

"A holoframe from our apartment. Does it work?" Skyfire reached up and lightly touched the edge of the frame.

"Yes, it works."

Skyfire tapped the side panel, and the frame lit up. "Primus, I can't believe you have this." He stood perfectly still as he gazed at the images that flashed on the small screen.

Starscream walked over and glanced up at the frame. "That was a long time ago."

"Yeah. But you are just as pretty now as you were then," Skyfire replied with a bright smile as he shifted his gaze back to Starscream.

"Pretty, huh?" Starscream perked his wings up, quite enjoying the compliment.

Skyfire moved his arm outward, only to then let it fall back to his side as he quickly averted his attention back to the frame.

Instantly frustrated at how one moment Skyfire seemed totally at ease and the next he'd pull away, Starscream put his hands on his hips and deeply frowned. "What the frag was that?"

"What?"

"I thought you were going to—" Starscream cut himself off, realizing he wasn't entirely sure what the half gesture might have turned into. Why was this still so awkward? Why was this so hard for them?

"Going to what?" Skyfire asked as he canted his head.

"I don't know. Something." Starscream crossed his arms over his chest and pointedly looked away.

"This, maybe?" Skyfire reached out and slipped his arm around Starscream's waist, pulling him close.

Starscream gave Skyfire a dirty look. "Why do you do that? Constantly censor yourself around me. You never did that before."

"I get nervous."

Starscream unfolded his arms, sliding one around Skyfire's side and resting his other hand on the broad chest he was held against. "Am I so abrasive that I make you uncomfortable?"

"That's not it." Skyfire wrapped both arms around him. Being smaller, Starscream felt engulfed by the warmth and strong arms encompassing him. He had always felt _safe_ in his arms, back then as well as now.

"What is it then? Why are we still so…awkward around each other?" Starscream looked up at Skyfire with a dissatisfied frown.

"It's only been a few orns since we attempted to start over. I don't want to rush into anything." Skyfire gave Starscream a small squeeze.

Starcream knew that wasn't it, though. Like his damaged relationship with his trinemates, he knew his anger and behavior towards Skyfire were part of the emotional stumbling blocks in their path. "As lovely an idea as it is to 'start over', I don't think we can keep glossing over things from the past." Starscream's spark contracted in his chest. Facing the painful parts of their past was something he _really_ didn't want to do, even though he knew it _had_ to be done.

"I agree. I think the idea of starting over was more to ease us back into things. You know, letting us take some time to figure out if this relationship can be repaired or not."

The notion that they might not be able to repair their relationship and that Starscream might lose Skyfire all over again was a horrible thought. Even this awkward renewed relationship was a thousand times better than what it had been before. "I want this to work."

Skyfire hugged Starscream close, resting his chin on his helm. "Me, too."

They stood in silence for a long moment as Starscream tried to form words around what he was feeling. He was afraid but also angry and hurt. And although that was how he felt, he couldn't figure out how to verbalize it, how to explain why he lashed out the way he did at Skyfire. With his trinemates he knew the cause for his behavior was Megatron. With Skyfire, though, it was so complicated. It was partly the abandonment, partly his own anger at how much of a twisted mess his life had become, and also partly how he had never openly dealt with the loss of his sparkling. All things that even thinking about them made his spark ache.

"You want to try talking about things?" Skyfire asked.

"Not really."

"Well, that makes it a little difficult then, doesn't it?" Skyfire asked quietly.

Starscream pressed his face into Skyfire's chest. "I honestly don't think I can just talk about it."

"'Cause it hurts too much?"

Primus, Skyfire knew him so well. "Yes."

"Then what should we do? We need to communicate, Starscream, or else things will stay how they are now."

Communicate. In a flash, Starscream was hit with an idea. "There's another way to communicate, you know." Starscream lifted his head up and looked at Skyfire.

"There is?"

"Spark merging."

Skyfire's optics brightened. "Starscream… we haven't even, you know, interfaced yet. You want to jump into a spark merge?"

"Spark merging doesn't have to involve interfacing, you know that." It seemed like the perfect solution, a way to share all his complicated feelings without having to use clunky words that might be misconstrued. He was tired of this slow-paced recovery. It was nothing like the whirlwind romance that brought them together in the first place. His spark ached for Skyfire, so why not just jump in and do it? It certainly couldn't make things worse…

"I don't know. If we move too fast we might make a bigger mess of things," Skyfire replied, seemingly unconvinced.

"Things were _already_ fragged up between us. All I want is a merge to reopen the bond. Let's stop dancing around the issue and just _do it _already."

Skyfire glanced down at the ground beside them, as he appeared to contemplate the suggestion. "Is that was you really want?" he asked as he looked back at Starscream. "I guess it seems extreme to me since things do still feel... _off _between us_._"

"_Please._ It's what I want." Starscream's spark ached for Skyfire, and more than anything he wanted to feel whole again.

With a soft sigh of air, Skyfire allowed a small smile to cross his lips. "I _really_ can't say 'no' you." Starscream's spark fluttered in response. Skyfire scooped Starscream up off the floor and lifted him into his arms. "Which way?"

"To the berth, you mean?" Starscream asked wryly.

"No to the energon dispenser," Skyfire replied with a huge grin.

Starscream punched at Skyfire's shoulder. "Behind us."

Skyfire carted Starscream into the adjoining room where the berth was located and carefully set Starscream down on its smooth surface. "It's big."

"I know." Starscream had made sure to have a large berth installed on the off chance Skyfire would one day want to move into his quarters.

Gingerly, Skyfire sat down on the berth at the edge. His gaze wandered the smaller room but eventually settled on Starscream again. "You're _sure_ you want to do this?"

Starscream vaguely frowned. "Yes and no." He wanted Skyfire to be the center of his life. He knew it was the only way he'd be happy again. At the same time he was frightened that if he exposed all the darkness within his spark that he might end up driving Skyfire away, but it was a chance he'd have to take if he wanted things to be how they once were. He just hoped Skyfire loved him enough to accept all both the light and dark parts that Starscream knew made up his spark now.

"An honest answer. I appreciate that." Skyfire scooted all the way up onto the berth, and then lay back. He lightly patted his chest and gestured to Starscream.

Starscream obliged the unspoken request and crawled up to lay across Skyfire's broad frame. He rested his chin on Skyfire's chest and stared at him as he tried to muster all his courage. After all this was _his idea_…

A large hand found the center of Starscream's lower back and softly massaged the area. Skyfire remained mute, gazing back at Starscream while patiently waiting.

"I'm afraid my spark isn't 'pretty'," Starscream said quietly.

"I doubt that," Skyfire replied. "Besides, part of being bonded is sharing in everything. That means the good as well as the bad."

Starscream he had been on his own for so long that he had grown used to internalizing everything that happened to him. Lock all the pain away and not let it out, except in small angry bursts. Sharing that pain seemed almost cruel, but then so was acting out because of all the emotions bottled up inside. Either way he would hurt Skyfire. At least by opening his spark up, Skyfire would hopefully know it that he wasn't the source of a lot of the internal anguish Starscream constantly worked to hide.

He pushed up onto his elbows and glanced at Skyfire's chest. "Unfortunately, I think there is quite a bit of 'bad' inside me."

"I love you, Starscream, _all of you,_ and you aren't alone in this. We both want this to be right again. With some work, I think we can put the past behind us so we can finally move forward again. That's what _I_ want for us, anyway." Skyfire gently hugged Starscream.

That was exactly what Starscream wanted, too. He quit dawdling, initiating the sequences to open his chest plate and the spark chamber beneath. Skyfire responded in kind, his chest parting and the chamber buried inside opening to reveal his glowing spark. It was just as mesmerizing to look at now as it had been all those eons ago. Starscream stared down at it as both terror and joy tugged on his own spark with equal force. "Here's goes…_everything,_" he whispered as he lowered his chest to meet with Skyfire's.

Their sparks instantly reached out for one another, tendrils of energy wrapped around one another as they expanded outward to meet. Starscream pressed his face into the crook of Skyfire's neck and felt the large arms holding him tighten their grip. The pace of their pulsing sparks soon matched speed and melded together into one.

Starscream sharply gasped at the sensation as he dug his fingers into Skyfire's plating. The dueling emotions of dread and excitement faded as he felt an intense, thick wave of love pour into him from Skyfire. For the first time in so long, the void within Starscream's spark was filled to the brim, and Primus, it felt so good. Better than winning any battle, and a million times better than becoming the leader of the Decepticons. It was a completeness he knew only Skyfire could offer him. Not wanting to be outdone, he returned his own feelings of love to Skyfire, pushing all of it into the light of their merged sparks. Skyfire made a soft whining sound in response.

'As nice as this is… we need to share other things as well,' Skyfire said over their connected sparks.

Instantly, Starscream felt a wave of fear wash through him. 'I'm scared.'

'Of what?'

'That you'll hate me.'

'I could never hate you. But here, if it makes it easier, I'll go first…'

Images took over Starscream's processor as he was plunged into one of Skyfire's memory files: Above the glinting image of a silvery jet and a profound feeling of desperation. _I can't move. I have to call out to him over the bond…but I…_ Then darkness fell like a heavy curtain. Helpless. Lost. Alone. All emotions Skyfire felt back then. Starscream whimpered as the more recent of Skyfire's feelings of guilt and sadness crossed over the bond.

'You idiot. It wasn't your fault what happened,' Starscream said over the bond.

'You aren't mad at me for abandoning you?'

'I was.' Taking a moment to think about it, he realized blaming Skyfire had really been misplaced anger. Since Skyfire was so kind-sparked, he felt safe lashing out at him, never considering how that had made him feel. 'But it really wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have been so fragging hard on you. You didn't deserve it.'

Skyfire gave Starscream a squeeze. 'Thank you for telling me that.' For a few lovely moments Starscream reveled in the sensation of relief and joy that pulsed over their bond from Skyfire.

Those feelings eventually ebbed away, and Starscream knew he was up next. 'I suppose it's my turn, hm?'

'When you are ready.' Skyfire's love pulsed happily through their connection.

Starscream wasn't sure what he felt ready to share, but then, without even consciously choosing, Starscream's memory files surrounding the sparkling came forward: Starscream paused in his studying and touched his chest. _You're all I have left, you know. I'll take good care of you. I promise. Tell you all about Skyfire. _A wave of nausea rolled through his tank. _I can't wait until this fragging phase is over, though._ The images flashed forward to the moment he was told the sparkling was gone and the intense pain that had blossomed deep within before he lost consciousness.

All that pain suddenly flared to the surface again as the memory file ended. Starscream felt coolant coat his optics as he winced and started to sob. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss and an infinitely deep sadness take over. Unlike before, though, he wasn't facing his repressed grieving alone. Skyfire was grieving _with _him. Starscream wasn't sure why feeling Skyfire's sadness tuning in with his own felt so comforting, but it did. Letting go completely, Starscream gave into the sorrow and let it flow through him. With each sob that wracked his frame he felt like the painful feelings associated with his memories were being purged.

He lost all concept of time as he pushed through the pain surrounding such a life-changing loss, and just when Starscream started to grow too tired to continue crying, he felt an overwhelming sensation of love pour into him from Skyfire.

'Thank you for sharing that,' Skyfire said.

Starscream had no words he could formulate as a reply. He simply responded by allowing his love filter back into their sparks along with his fears of losing Skyfire again. Starscream needed him know how much he wanted him at his side.

'I'm not going anywhere, I promise.'

Their sparks finally unwound and pulled apart. As they did, a wave of exhaustion overtook every inch of Starscream's frame. He didn't have a moment to even contemplate what had just happened as a heavy need to recharge took over. He was utterly helpless to fight its pull on him as he slipped offline.

….

A familiar, warm feeling filled his spark as Starscream struggled his way toward consciousness. Affection was making its way in little waves over the tendril of open energy that connected their sparks once again. Dimly lighting his optics, he felt a smile curl his lips. It had been seemingly forever since he had felt Skyfire's presence within his spark. Starscream arched his back and rolled slightly as he pushed against Skyfire's larger frame, stretching his wings and body.

"Primus, you are cute."

Glancing up at Skyfire, Starscream frowned. "I liked when you said I was pretty better."

"Okay." Skyfire grinned. "Then you are _pretty_ cute."

Starsteam playfully punched Skyfire's side. "Shut up." He felt tired still, despite the recharge. Letting out such an immense amount of emotion had been draining, and yet at the same time he felt lighter. The heavy darkness in his spark didn't feel quite as cumbersome now.

"You feel okay?" Skyfire asked.

Rolling to press himself against Skyfire's side, Starscream gazed up at what he knew in his spark was his one true love. "I feel…_good_."

"Me too. I think spark merging was the right thing to do."

"Of course it was! I am rarely wrong, you know," Starscream replied smugly.

Skyfire laughed. "You are too much sometimes!"

Starscream raised an optic ridge at Skyfire. "And you are a big goof."

Shaking his head, Skyfire's laughing dissolved into a huge smile, the kind of bright smile that Starscream loved to see him have. He focused on the warm, loving sensation inside his spark as they both grew quiet, marveling at how wonderful it felt to be connected again.

Suddenly Skyfire interrupted the silence. "You know, I've been thinking. And maybe it's waaaay too early to think about this, especially since we still have things to work out between us, but…"

"What?" Starscream asked. "Spit it out."

"If you ever wanted to try to have a sparkling again, I would be more than willing to try." Skyfire nervously smiled.

Starscream stared at him for a long moment, waiting for that dark pain to claim his spark, but it_ didn't_. Only twinges of sadness pushed to the surface then faded. "You really want one? I suppose we never really talked about it before, did we?"

"No, we didn't. We were young and stupid." Skyfire's nervous smile changed over to his usual warm-looking grin.

"Keh. I guess we were." Starscream traced the side seams of Skyfire's paneling. "I certainly don't want Thundercracker and Skywarp to be the only fliers with a little flier. Who is Lightningbolt supposed to play with anyway? That ground pounder sparkling on the Autobot base?"

"Is that a yes?" Skyfire asked.

"Yes. But in due time."

"Agreed."

The awkwardness had disappeared for the moment. Whether it was the reestablished bond, or finally feeling safe enough to be himself with Skyfire, dark and light parts alike, he didn't know. Not that it really mattered. So long as they moved forward and not back, Starscream knew things would work out for them. They loved each other, after all. Not time, fate or Primus himself could destroy the love they shared, it seemed. Starscream smiled as he looked up at Skyfire and realized that he had finally regained something he never thought he'd ever have again: _hope._

….

_AN- Thanks again for reading, faving and all the wonderful reviews! The next story will have a continuation of what is going on with Starsream/Skyfire, while delving into Ratchet and Wheeljack's relationship and quest for a sparkling of their own. So if you like this pairing, don't forget to check it out. Thanks again everyone! _


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